::EAVESDROPPING...

"I want you to go." Those words came about sixty seconds before I slammed the door in his face and once again, I have that "what the hell just happened?" feeling.
~

It all started yesterday morning. We'd just gotten up outta bed, just watching some tv, he gets on the phone and starts talking to someone. The tone in his voice told me everything. He was talking in a manner that you would speak in when you don't want someone to know exactly what the conversation's about. Then he gets up and walks out of the room. I didn't say anything. I just observed him.

You're in a room with your effing boyfriend and you walk away talking low as if he's supposed to disregard that? WTF?

I couldn't help but be curious as to who he was talking to and what they were talking about.

So he goes to use the bathroom and I hear "...when you get your own place... Idunno Cous(in)..." and then an innocent laugh... the way I do when I'm with him.

~

I'm not really that upset, though... Idunno what I am.

~

So I redialed the number just to write it down and hung up the phone.

I was just gonna ask him because I have a few numbers in my cell phone that he's dialed, so I was just going to innocently ask him about it, not really drawing conclusions, just ask him who each person was. There were only like two or three.

~

So, then today... I was up and waited for him to wake up so we could chill since I'm off today. I was planning a great day for us today. But after yesterday, I really didn't wanna be with him, plus a few other issues we're having. We don't really argue, I think that sometimes I fight w/ him, and then we don't really talk about it, and then later I'm in a better mood and ignore what happened earlier and just make-up and make-out with him, and then everything's better.

~

So today, I went back to bed and left him in the living room by himself. He uses these people's phone to make some calls and curious me, I pick up the phone during one of his calls.

~

It's some dude. I didn't really hear anything incriminating. I heard him put me down a few times and ask him if he's been talking to anyone lately.

~

After a few seconds, I realize it's his old roommate. Yes, the same dude that he tells me fucked up his life, and yada-yada-yada, same bullshit as usual.

~

The roommate proceeds to ask him about sex, and coming over to where he's at, etc. My bf ignores his convo about having sex and just talks about meeting w/ him to take care of some stuff which is believable to me because I know what he needs to do. He then starts talking about having me drop him off somewhere or whatever and about "yesterday." Whatever that was about.

~

Like I said, I didn't hear anything that gives me basis to break-up with him or feel hurt about, but I was pissed because of how casual the conversation was.

~

When they hang up the phone, I come out of the room with the other phone and I hang it up right in front of him. He walks by me and I try to stop him. "Excuse me," he says. And he can't even look at me. Then, I make him look at me, and he has this look on his face like he knows I heard his convo. I tell him "I want you to go." and he says okay. Just that simple, walks into the bedroom grabs his stuff, and I open the door to let him out. I walk out the room and say "You're just like every-fucking-body else." I didn't scream at him... not yet anyway. I just told him to get his ass out. No questions asked.

~

I close and lock the door. Five seconds later, the doorbell rings. I open the door. He's like, I need to get my stuff out of the car so I can take it to my sister's house (where he's been staying). I tell him that I'll bring it over there later. He says okay, and I slam the door. I didn't fucking care.

~

Then I get back on the phone and I call the roommate back. He answers the phone. We go back and forth with a few "hellos" and then I go "WHO IS THIS?" and he hangs up.

~

Then he rings the doorbell again. He's like, "Will you take me to my sister's so I can leave my stuff there?" and I'm like "I'll take it over there" Then he looks at me and goes "It's not my fault you were listening-in on my convsersation. I haven't done anything to you," and I give him a "Fuck You," once again, and slam the door in his face again.

~

The phone rings. It's a blocked number (obviously him). I pick up. He hangs up.

~

I look in my cell phone for the number and call him back from these people's house. I'm like "Who is this?" He's like "Stop playin' man, whachu doin'?" He thinks I'm my bf so I try to play along w/ it, but then decided not to do that, and just call him out by his name. I'm like it's ME. and he's like who? and I'm like "You know who this is? Now, tell me what's really going on?" I can't really remember the convo we had, it was for like half a minute.

I go back to the door and my bf sitting in the patio chair outside and I ask him "Why?" He then says, "Bye." as if that's what I said to him. I say it again, then he says it again. And I'm like "You heard me, now answer me. I don't know why you can't ever be real with me." Then he goes "THIS is why I can never be real with you because you ACT LIKE THIS!"

~

Thinking: Is he for real? No, he did NOT just say that!

~

So after that I proceed with a "Fuck You!" and slam the door in his face one more time.

~

Now, I'm going to get my clothes out of the dryer because I'm leaving the house because I want him to know that I'm for real, and I get dressed and walk out the door. He's still sitting there, and as I'm going to the car, he asks me to let him get his stuff out of the car. I say "Okay." and I throw all of his shit on the front lawn. He tells me "It's not even like that." I'm like "Then tell me how it is. How the FUCK is it? Explain to me how it is. So that's where you wanna be?..." and then that was the end of that.

~

I WAS going to my job to pick up my paycheck but I stopped at my house instead.

As soon as I get home, I jump on the phone and call his roommate back.

The conversation lasted, I'd say for a good 20-30 minutes. We didn't really talk about shit, he just fucked with my head again, asking if he could come over and get a quick blow job. I took that lightly because I wanted some damn answers. I laughed about it and I was like "No, cuz I really don't like you like that, and I'm really not that friendly."

~

Talking to him is like talking to my bf, so I see why they're "friends" and get along. Anyway, I asked him to tell me the truth about what's really going on between them. He tells me nothing's going on between them and that he doesn't even know where he is. I believe him.

~

I'm not mad, I don't know how I feel. The dude asked me "So where is he? Right there next to you?" and I'm like NO... and I stall because I didn't wanna tell him what just happened. Then he asks me again, and I'm like "I put his ass out." He starts laughing and is like "WHAT? Why'd you do that? You need to go back and get him." and I'm like "No, I don't even know where he is." Then he starts laughing and continues to ask me what's going on between us... "He doesn't tell me anything like you think he does." I pretty much told him a few things that I should not have, which I hope to GOD I don't regret later.

~

I was just mad at him mostly because he kisses and tells, and then bitches about my inexperience. Like what the hell am I supposed to think or do? What can I do? I'm new at this shit. He's the first guy I've ever been with, so what the hell? He always complains and tells me that having sex with me is like a tease to him. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

So anyway, I said it. I told myself I was never gonna write about sex, but that's pretty much the biggest part of our issue right now.

Anyway, after I got off the phone w/ his roommate with an "I'll call you later," (Idunno why I'm so comfortable talking to this guy.) I go and look for my bf. I see him. I try to get him to come back with me but he wouldn't. I asked him twice and then I left, hoping he'd come back to the house.

He didn't. He's like "I'm going to my sister's. That's where I need to be," and that was the end of that.

I let him go and went back to the house.

I don't know where he is right now and I hope he's okay. I think I may have overreacted a little bit, but he just needs to be upfront with me. We didn't break up, but God only knows where we're going from here.

I just wish he'd be better at being my man. Maybe I went a little overboard? Maybe. If he calls me, I'm not going to answer the phone, though. I just need time to myself and room to breathe right now. I AM however about to call back this dude, so OMG!!!!!!! I'm not upset, I just don't know what to think. The old me would be on the floor bawling right now, but I don't feel that. I don't know what I feel. Damn.

When I talked to the dude, he was like "...Why do you want to be with him so bad? Is it because he looks good, is it his dick? What? Are you that desperate to have a boyfriend?..." and I denied all of it, but... I think he's right. Damn.

About two weeks ago, I told him that I would never, ever doubt him again. I apologized for the times that I did before and after today with NO PROOF of infidelity, I think I just relapsed. I told him I'm like a crack-head in rehab and I need him to be my therapist, so Idunno... (Big Sigh...) Lata.